“Unworthiness keeps many of us from finding “The One”.-Umm Nadia
Many of us search our whole lives for “The One”. The wise ones among mankind take their time in looking for potential mates who can meet their spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional needs. Others walk haphazardly into these affairs, hoping that the fairy tale in their minds might come to pass despite all odds.
Though the approach (if done in a halal manner) by the former group is better than that of the latter, the premise of both is wrong.
The search for “The One” in another human being is a futile effort. In all actuality, this search for “The One” keeps one back from finding “The One”.
The desire to find a spouse who is “The One” stems from a place of lack that often resides in an un-actualized human being. This desire stems from the need of the heart to feel whole and alive through a human being.
One must understand that it is only Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى who gives life to the dead, including dead hearts, and that it is He, only He who can identify and treat the feelings of inadequacies within a human being;
ذَٰلِكَ بِأَنَّ اللَّهَ هُوَ الْحَقُّ وَأَنَّهُ يُحْيِي الْمَوْتَىٰ وَأَنَّهُ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌ
“That is because Allah: He is the Truth, and it is He Who gives life to the dead, and it is He Who is Able to do all things.”
(Surah Al-Hajj, 22:6)
Marriage in Islam is half of the religion, not half of the person;
Anas ibn Malik رضى الله عنهreported: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ , said,
“Whoever Allah provides with a righteous wife, Allah has assisted him in half of his religion. Let him fear Allah regarding the second half.”
(Source: al-Mu’jam al-Awsaṭ 992)
The purpose of marriage is to act as a shield from evil, a source of comfort, a means for filling desires, and a foundation upon which one can build a family unit.
Many people mistake marriage as a source for healing childhood wounds, previous disappointments in relationships, and so on. While marriage can provide some source of comfort in this area that can be acheived only after one has identified these deep rooted issues and has decided upon a change in behavior within his or her own heart. Marriage does not automatically do this.
Though, if Allahسُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى wills, marriage can make one realize their deep rooted issues and often this is accompanied by trials which has the potential to bring about growth. However, for those who are single and who have a desire for marriage they will benefit from understanding that being single has its benefits.
It is in these moments of solitude that one can truly find “The One” and that is Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى.
Allah سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى is;
Al Ahad. That means He is The One, The Perfect, The Unique.
How often do we search for these qualities in another human being hoping that it will bring out all of the love within us? Why don’t we realize now that all we truly desire is Allah عزوجل however, we are directing that desire towards his creation?
Allah عزوجل is the only ONE who can make us feel complete and whole, who can make our hearts filled with joy and an over-pouring of love. When we draw close to our Lord it is then that He can aid us by showing us the sicknesses within our hearts that make us feel unworthy–that make us seek his creation and the material things of this world for happiness instead of Him. It is only through this healing that we can truly be ready to fulfill half of our religion though marriage and have the spiritual skills and fortitude, by Allah’sعزوجل Mercy, to be mindful of the other half of our religion.
Allah عزوجل says in The Qur’an;
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا مَا لَكُمْ إِذَا قِيلَ لَكُمُ انفِرُوا فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ اثَّاقَلْتُمْ إِلَى الْأَرْضِ ۚ أَرَضِيتُم بِالْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا مِنَ الْآخِرَةِ ۚ فَمَا مَتَاعُ الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا فِي الْآخِرَةِ إِلَّا قَلِيلٌ
“O you who believe! What is the matter with you, that when you are asked to march forth in the Cause of Allah (i.e. Jihad) you cling heavily to the earth? Are you pleased with the life of this world rather than the Hereafter? But little is the enjoyment of the life of this world as compared with the Hereafter.”
(Surah At-Taubah, 9:38)
How many of us busy ourselves with the things of this world (our spouse, family, wealthy, property) and leave off finding Al-Ahad? Jihad al-nafs is the fight against ones own soul which can only be successful with the aid of Allah.
Fadalah ibn Ubaid رضي الله عنه reported: The Messenger of Allah ﷺ, said during the final pilgrimage, “Have I not informed you? The believer is the one who is trusted with the lives and wealth of people. The Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hand people are safe. The one striving in jihad in the way of Allah is the one who wages jihad against himself in obedience to Allah. The emigrant is one who emigrates away from sins and evil deeds.”
(Source: Musnad Aḥmad 23438)
Abu Huraira رَحِمَهُ ٱللّٰه reported: The Messenger of Allahﷺ , peace and blessings be upon him, said,
“The strong are not those who defeat people. Rather, the strong are those who defeat their ego.”
(Source: Mushkil al-Āthār 1426)
The companions understood the importance of Jihad al-nafs;
Hannan ibn Kharija reported: I said to Abdullah ibn ‘Amr, may Allah be pleased with him, “What do you say about jihad and military campaigns?” Abdullah said, “Begin with your soul and wage jihad against it. Begin with your soul and wage a military campaign against it.”
(Source: Muḥāsabat al-Nafs 62)
Abu Nu’aym reported: Ibrahim ibn Adham, may Allah have mercy on him, said, “The most difficult jihad is the jihad against desire. Whoever can restrain his soul from its desires will be relieved from the world and its trials, and he will be protected and safe from its harms.”
(Source: Ḥilyat al-Awliyā’ 8/18)
Allah says in The Qur’an;
قَدْ أَفْلَحَ مَن تَزَكَّىٰ
“Indeed whosoever purifies himself shall achieve success.”
(Surah Al-A’la, 87:14)
We can never look to other human beings to be our source of complete comfort as this tantamount to shirk and due to mankinds inability to attain perfection.
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِنَّ مِنْ أَزْوَاجِكُمْ وَأَوْلَادِكُمْ عَدُوًّا لَّكُمْ فَاحْذَرُوهُمْ ۚ وَإِن تَعْفُوا وَتَصْفَحُوا وَتَغْفِرُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ
“O you who believe! Verily, among your wives and your children there are enemies for you (who may stop you from the obedience of Allah); therefore beware of them! But if you pardon (them) and overlook and forgive (their faults), then verily Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”
(Surah At-Taghabun, 64:14)
Finding “The One” is finding Allah عزوجل. For He is the healing for our hearts, success in this life and the next. I leave you my dear brothers and sisters Allah’s beautiful ayah in hopes that you will reflect and remember;
لَهُ دَعْوَةُ الْحَقِّ ۖ وَالَّذِينَ يَدْعُونَ مِن دُونِهِ لَا يَسْتَجِيبُونَ لَهُم بِشَيْءٍ إِلَّا كَبَاسِطِ كَفَّيْهِ إِلَى الْمَاءِ لِيَبْلُغَ فَاهُ وَمَا هُوَ بِبَالِغِهِ ۚ وَمَا دُعَاءُ الْكَافِرِينَ إِلَّا فِي ضَلَالٍ
وَلِلَّهِ يَسْجُدُ مَن فِي السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ طَوْعًا وَكَرْهًا وَظِلَالُهُم بِالْغُدُوِّ وَالْآصَالِ
قُلْ مَن رَّبُّ السَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضِ قُلِ اللَّهُ ۚ قُلْ أَفَاتَّخَذْتُم مِّن دُونِهِ أَوْلِيَاءَ لَا يَمْلِكُونَ لِأَنفُسِهِمْ نَفْعًا وَلَا ضَرًّا ۚ قُلْ هَلْ يَسْتَوِي الْأَعْمَىٰ وَالْبَصِيرُ أَمْ هَلْ تَسْتَوِي الظُّلُمَاتُ وَالنُّورُ ۗ أَمْ جَعَلُوا لِلَّهِ شُرَكَاءَ خَلَقُوا كَخَلْقِهِ فَتَشَابَهَ الْخَلْقُ عَلَيْهِمْ ۚ قُلِ اللَّهُ خَالِقُ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ وَهُوَ الْوَاحِدُ الْقَهَّارُ
“For Him (Allah, Alone) is the Word of Truth (i.e., none has the right to be worshiped but Allah). And those whom they (polytheists and disbelievers) invoke besides Him, answer them no more than one who stretches forth his hand (at the edge of a deep well) for water to reach his mouth, but it reaches him not; and the invocation of the disbelievers is nothing but an error (i.e., of no use).
And to Allah (Alone) falls in prostration whoever is in the heavens and the earth, willingly or unwillingly, and so do their shadows in the morning and in the afternoons.
Say (O Muhammad ﷺ): “Who is the Lord of the heavens and the earth?” Say: “(It is) Allah.” Say: “Have you then taken (for worship) Auliya’ (protectors) other than Him, such as have no power either for benefit or for harm to themselves?” Say: “Is the blind equal to the one who sees? Or darkness equal to the light? Or do they assign to Allah partners who created the like of His creation, so that the creation (which they made and His creation) seemed alike to them?” Say: “Allah is the Creator of all things; and He is the One, the Irresistible.”
(Surah Ar-Ra’d, 14-16)